So it's been a few months since I last posted anything. Things have been up and down, bad and good and honestly, a little frustrating. We went through the holidays, which was decent. My son had a rough time with preschool. We had to move which was one of the worst months of my adult life. Our landlord decided to sell our house and then we couldn't find a place and were about 2 weeks from being homeless. We then found a place and the 10 people who agreed to helped us move all bailed on us and my wife and I had to move everything by ourselves in two days. Things got better since we moved in back in March.
Moving on, my wife has been up my ass a lot lately about being motivated to do things. I really don't know what she expects me to do. Her job is very time consuming and she works a ton of hours and her schedule is not consistent at all. It's not like she works 9-5 everyday and I can go work at a part time job after she gets off work. She can go into work at 4am or close and not get off until midnight and every shift in between. The only thing that can be taken advantage of is that she is off Friday and Saturday. About six months to a year ago, I had two interviews with her company to come on full time and that didn't work. I then had a third to come on part time and again, I wasn't hired. Now, my wife is on me to find something or at least try. I filled out about 8 applications where part time weekend nights help would be needed and still nothing. Pizza place, grocery stores, movie theaters and convenient stores and nothing. To be honest, I was fired from my last job. It wasn't anything major or illegal but it happened and I think it's really hurting my chances to find a new job. The funniest thing is that I had an interview set up for a management position a few months after I lost my job and my wife told me not to do it so I could stay home with the kids.
There is a new cookie place down the street from our house that is open until 3am and I grabbed an application from them last Friday. I made plans to drop the application off this Friday (tomorrow) and that seemed to ruffle my wife's feathers today, even though we had discussed it twice so far this week and she even told me I should drop it off Friday. I told her I was going to finish the application on Thursday and she was fine with it. Tonight, I went to finish the application and she wondered why I hadn't done it yet. Then she wanted to know why I hadn't gone over and handed it in. She also wanted to know I hadn't called there yet. I explained that she had worked all week and her schedule was so I couldn't drop it off when they opened and I could have only gone over late at night and I didn't want to take the kids with me when I did it and I assume that none of that was good enough for her.
She then went on a rant about how I don't work out anymore and I'm not motivated to do anything. She isn't home with the kids all week. The two days when I have any free time is when she is off and we do things. The other days are consumed with the kids. I am trying to get one kid on track for school (which is a whole story that I will do another time), I am trying to get the other one to speak. I am doing laundry, cleaning, doing dishes and so on. As far as working out, my work out is the kids. We go outside and I keep an eye on the kids. Granted, I could go for more walks with them, which I am planning but we play a lot in the back yard. It's not like I can say "Hey kids, you stay here, I am going to go to the gym/run." It's not like when my wife gets home that I am going to say to her, "Hey, you've just worked 10-12 hours, you watch the kids for the next hour or two while I go to the gym." I also really messed up my foot/ankle about a month ago and just a few days ago, it started feeling better. I was in a walking boot for over a week and haven't been able to do much for the past month. Like I said, if her schedule was different, it would be different. She has also said that she wants me to try to find a job where she can stay at home and I go to work. I don't have a degree. I only know retail management. No one that I know is going to had over what my wife makes and more to someone who hasn't had a job in 3 years and was terminated from their previous job right off the bat. We also don't have the money where I could try to do something like screen printing or finish my degree. I would be at a job that offered me what she made in a heartbeat and she could stay home if it was a reality. Also, if both kids were in school, I could do a day time part time job that isn't going happen in another 3 years.
All of this is making me angry and pissed at myself. I already fall into the social norm mindset that I should be at work and I feel like a loser that I am not and that I haven't done anything with my life at 33, other than being a dad, which I know is seriously important but it's just different. Now I have this from my wife and it is emotionally draining with all of that. I just want to yell, "What do you really want me to do?" Our oldest child is going to be starting full day kindergarten in September and also soccer and more time with reinforcing his lessons at school and soccer practice/games are now on the agenda and taking up more time.
Also, while I am bitching, my wife and I got into the other day because our toilet wasn't working right. Our oldest son always clogs the toilet and he did it at our old place too because he takes giant shits. Anyway, it got clogged one time too many for my wife and she went off and took it out on me. She said "Can you please call Chris (our landlord) and tell him about the toilet, or do I have to do everything around this house?" That is real offensive. I don't mean to come off as a baby but she really doesn't do much around the house and that's cool. She might cook dinner once or twice a week, maybe. I try to do everything else because of how demanding her job is. That includes most of everything that has to do with the kids as well. She pays the bills and goes to work but she doesn't change the diapers, do the laundry, give baths, feed the kids, clean the dishes, clean out the kitty litter, clean up the toys, take out the trash, clean up after the dogs, vacuum, put clothes away, clean up after the kids and on. It would be rad to get some reassurance that what I do is important and helpful.
So here is the bottom line, I am trying to get this stay at home dad thing down still and there is always room for improvement. I am trying to find a part time job. I am trying to live in reality and just because I am not employed somewhere, doesn't mean that I don't care or need encouragement.
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