Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Monday, June 16, 2014
Post Father's Day reflections
I had the best Father's Day yesterday.
I woke up to my Jonas waking me up by getting really close to my face and whispering (and he was very excited) to me "Happy Father's Day dad!" My wife took the kids and went downstairs and let me lay in bed for a few minutes while she got some things ready for me. Jonas then yelled for me to come downstairs. They had cards and gifts on the table for me. They got me Pop It's (those little white pouches that pop when you throw them on the ground), a bag of Sweet Tarts, a Master Splinter Lego mini figure key chain, two front row tickets to go see Bill Maher in two weeks and a heart made out of red Lego pieces with a fire man mini figure on it with DAD spelled out in green dot blocks. I'll be honest, that made me tear up.
My wife then went out to an awesome bakery by our house and got me some breakfast and then went to Dunkin Donuts and got me a frozen Arnold Palmer. I watched Field Of Dreams with my kids, which is going to be my yearly tradition. We then went out to lunch at a grilled cheese restaurant and went to Walmart, Dicks and Targets for some stuff for our backyard and some stuff for my wife. We came back home and played in the backyard for a few hours and then ordered pizza for dinner. After the kids went to bed, I watched the season finale of Game Of Thrones and went to bed with my wife and watched some TV with her.
I thought a lot about being a father yesterday. My father was never around, my grandfather died before I was born, my step father and I never got along and my brother and I were never close (he is 16 years older than me) and he has become a bad father as well, so my father figures as well as my examples on how to be a good father were nonexistent or negative. I never really wanted to be a father. It was never something that was on my to do list. I didn't know how to be a father and I still don't really know how to do this. I am extremely thankful for those other men who I am friends with who are fathers that I have been able to lean on for support and answers and also just to observe. They have helped more than they will ever know. I sometimes think that I am failing or doing a poor job as a dad but then when I have a day like yesterday, and how my wife and kids were so happy to give me that day, I guess I can't be doing that bad of a job. Being a father has to be the only job you can have where you can have no experience and no training, fail and screw up on a daily basis and still be considered good at your job.
I woke up to my Jonas waking me up by getting really close to my face and whispering (and he was very excited) to me "Happy Father's Day dad!" My wife took the kids and went downstairs and let me lay in bed for a few minutes while she got some things ready for me. Jonas then yelled for me to come downstairs. They had cards and gifts on the table for me. They got me Pop It's (those little white pouches that pop when you throw them on the ground), a bag of Sweet Tarts, a Master Splinter Lego mini figure key chain, two front row tickets to go see Bill Maher in two weeks and a heart made out of red Lego pieces with a fire man mini figure on it with DAD spelled out in green dot blocks. I'll be honest, that made me tear up.
My wife then went out to an awesome bakery by our house and got me some breakfast and then went to Dunkin Donuts and got me a frozen Arnold Palmer. I watched Field Of Dreams with my kids, which is going to be my yearly tradition. We then went out to lunch at a grilled cheese restaurant and went to Walmart, Dicks and Targets for some stuff for our backyard and some stuff for my wife. We came back home and played in the backyard for a few hours and then ordered pizza for dinner. After the kids went to bed, I watched the season finale of Game Of Thrones and went to bed with my wife and watched some TV with her.
I thought a lot about being a father yesterday. My father was never around, my grandfather died before I was born, my step father and I never got along and my brother and I were never close (he is 16 years older than me) and he has become a bad father as well, so my father figures as well as my examples on how to be a good father were nonexistent or negative. I never really wanted to be a father. It was never something that was on my to do list. I didn't know how to be a father and I still don't really know how to do this. I am extremely thankful for those other men who I am friends with who are fathers that I have been able to lean on for support and answers and also just to observe. They have helped more than they will ever know. I sometimes think that I am failing or doing a poor job as a dad but then when I have a day like yesterday, and how my wife and kids were so happy to give me that day, I guess I can't be doing that bad of a job. Being a father has to be the only job you can have where you can have no experience and no training, fail and screw up on a daily basis and still be considered good at your job.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Your son isn't ready...
Back in January, my wife and I went through some of the worst times we have seen in our marriage so far. We were already going through a crippling winter and we lived on a giant hill which made it worse. There wasn't really anywhere to take the kids to play and just leaving the house was hazardous at times. We were asked by the agency who was renting the house we were living in on behalf of the owner if we wanted to renew our lease. We talked about it for a few days and despite the issues with the weather, we really didn't want to move so we decided that we wanted to stay and told them that we would renew it for one more year. A few days later, we got a message from them saying that the owner has decided to sell and we had to move out by the end of February. We asked if we could have by the end of March and the owner refused. This sent us scrambling to find a new place. We spent about two weeks trying and we found a place about a half hour north of where we were that was bought by a flipper who was going to rent out the house. We loved the area but the lease was ridiculous. We tried to negotiate the lease but it was a no go. We decided to suck it up and just sign it and we offered him half the money to secure the house and the other half in two week (which would be two weeks before we would move in) and he rejected that. We decided to scrap that idea and we started looking at the dreaded apartment option. One day, about three weeks before our lease ended, my wife found a place on craigslist that we could afford, that was in a great area but it was a twin which we didn't want but we decided to look at it. We loved it right away and signed the lease a few days later...
Halfway through this shit storm was another with our oldest son. Our son was attending a Presbyterian pre school in a wealthier part of our area. We are not well off or anything like that so we already stick out like sore tattooed thumbs. We had this feeling that his teacher didn't care for us either, unlike his teacher from the year before at the same school who loved us and our son. He started school in September and our parent/teacher conference wasn't until mid-January. Our son did awesome in his previous year of school and got great marks and compliments from his teachers. We had no idea of an issues or problems. As soon as we sat down at our meeting, we knew there was an issue. His teacher said, "Jonas is a sweet boy and very kind but he isn't ready to move onto kindergarten and we can not recommend that he does." She then went down a list of things that he was falling behind in and what he was and wasn't doing right. He wasn't participating in class. He wasn't singing and dancing. He had issues identifying colors, numbers, shapes and letters. His retention on the lessons was poor. His word association was also poor, like when they asked him what happens when water freezes and he said something that didn't even make sense. Before we left, she gave us the name and number of a coach that we could get in contact with to help us.
I was absolutely devastated. I cried after we left and sat in the car and talked. I felt like an absolute failure. I was mad at myself. I was mad at his teacher for not telling us this months before or when she saw an issue. I was mad at our youngest child for taking up so much of our time and being an cause in his regression. I was mad at my wife for not being home more to help. I was mad at myself for being lazy, blind and stupid. I was mad at our landlord for the stress we are now sucked into. I was mad at my son for the situation. I was heartbroken. Looking back on all of that anger, I was wrong for being mad at everyone, except myself. It was my fault. When we got home, we sat down and talked to our son and all sorts of emotions were coming from both of us and I don't think my son knew what was going on. The next morning, everything changed. I woke up with a new perspective and a new plan. I'm not a teacher, although at one point, I wanted to be but not young children. I had to buckle down and try to do it. At first it was hard and extremely frustrating. My son clearly showed that he was having issues and I had NO idea how to help him or fix it. We confided in some family friends who are very close to us and our kids and they helped us with his sing and dance participation along with their little girl. My wife and I decided to do something we used to make fun of and thought was just a money making outfit and we turned to ABC Mouse for help.
I really couldn't believe how he changed, almost over night. I know it sounds like a commercial but worked. We started doing lesson plans on it daily and then letting him freely navigate the site and then we downloaded an app for the Ipad. In less than a month, his teacher took me to the side and told us that they were shocked in his turn around and told us that they were proud of us as parents for fixing the issues. We stayed on our son with ABC Mouse, we put more educational TV shows on, we took time to quiz him on shapes, colors, letters and numbers. Every time we drove by a gas station, we asked him the numbers. Every time we watched hockey, we were asking him the numbers on his favorite players and the letters in their names. We were trying our best to associate learning to the things that he loved doing. A few weeks before graduation, his teacher pulled me to the side again and told me that Jonas was doing lessons by himself without instructions and doing them right. She expressed how proud she was again. I asked her about his advancement to kindergarten and the use of a coach and she said that she didn't have any issues with him moving up and that a coach was not needed. I now know what pride feels like, not the "I'm better than you pride" but the type of pride that fills you with happiness and peace.
Halfway through this shit storm was another with our oldest son. Our son was attending a Presbyterian pre school in a wealthier part of our area. We are not well off or anything like that so we already stick out like sore tattooed thumbs. We had this feeling that his teacher didn't care for us either, unlike his teacher from the year before at the same school who loved us and our son. He started school in September and our parent/teacher conference wasn't until mid-January. Our son did awesome in his previous year of school and got great marks and compliments from his teachers. We had no idea of an issues or problems. As soon as we sat down at our meeting, we knew there was an issue. His teacher said, "Jonas is a sweet boy and very kind but he isn't ready to move onto kindergarten and we can not recommend that he does." She then went down a list of things that he was falling behind in and what he was and wasn't doing right. He wasn't participating in class. He wasn't singing and dancing. He had issues identifying colors, numbers, shapes and letters. His retention on the lessons was poor. His word association was also poor, like when they asked him what happens when water freezes and he said something that didn't even make sense. Before we left, she gave us the name and number of a coach that we could get in contact with to help us.
I was absolutely devastated. I cried after we left and sat in the car and talked. I felt like an absolute failure. I was mad at myself. I was mad at his teacher for not telling us this months before or when she saw an issue. I was mad at our youngest child for taking up so much of our time and being an cause in his regression. I was mad at my wife for not being home more to help. I was mad at myself for being lazy, blind and stupid. I was mad at our landlord for the stress we are now sucked into. I was mad at my son for the situation. I was heartbroken. Looking back on all of that anger, I was wrong for being mad at everyone, except myself. It was my fault. When we got home, we sat down and talked to our son and all sorts of emotions were coming from both of us and I don't think my son knew what was going on. The next morning, everything changed. I woke up with a new perspective and a new plan. I'm not a teacher, although at one point, I wanted to be but not young children. I had to buckle down and try to do it. At first it was hard and extremely frustrating. My son clearly showed that he was having issues and I had NO idea how to help him or fix it. We confided in some family friends who are very close to us and our kids and they helped us with his sing and dance participation along with their little girl. My wife and I decided to do something we used to make fun of and thought was just a money making outfit and we turned to ABC Mouse for help.
I really couldn't believe how he changed, almost over night. I know it sounds like a commercial but worked. We started doing lesson plans on it daily and then letting him freely navigate the site and then we downloaded an app for the Ipad. In less than a month, his teacher took me to the side and told us that they were shocked in his turn around and told us that they were proud of us as parents for fixing the issues. We stayed on our son with ABC Mouse, we put more educational TV shows on, we took time to quiz him on shapes, colors, letters and numbers. Every time we drove by a gas station, we asked him the numbers. Every time we watched hockey, we were asking him the numbers on his favorite players and the letters in their names. We were trying our best to associate learning to the things that he loved doing. A few weeks before graduation, his teacher pulled me to the side again and told me that Jonas was doing lessons by himself without instructions and doing them right. She expressed how proud she was again. I asked her about his advancement to kindergarten and the use of a coach and she said that she didn't have any issues with him moving up and that a coach was not needed. I now know what pride feels like, not the "I'm better than you pride" but the type of pride that fills you with happiness and peace.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Back And To The Left
So it's been a few months since I last posted anything. Things have been up and down, bad and good and honestly, a little frustrating. We went through the holidays, which was decent. My son had a rough time with preschool. We had to move which was one of the worst months of my adult life. Our landlord decided to sell our house and then we couldn't find a place and were about 2 weeks from being homeless. We then found a place and the 10 people who agreed to helped us move all bailed on us and my wife and I had to move everything by ourselves in two days. Things got better since we moved in back in March.
Moving on, my wife has been up my ass a lot lately about being motivated to do things. I really don't know what she expects me to do. Her job is very time consuming and she works a ton of hours and her schedule is not consistent at all. It's not like she works 9-5 everyday and I can go work at a part time job after she gets off work. She can go into work at 4am or close and not get off until midnight and every shift in between. The only thing that can be taken advantage of is that she is off Friday and Saturday. About six months to a year ago, I had two interviews with her company to come on full time and that didn't work. I then had a third to come on part time and again, I wasn't hired. Now, my wife is on me to find something or at least try. I filled out about 8 applications where part time weekend nights help would be needed and still nothing. Pizza place, grocery stores, movie theaters and convenient stores and nothing. To be honest, I was fired from my last job. It wasn't anything major or illegal but it happened and I think it's really hurting my chances to find a new job. The funniest thing is that I had an interview set up for a management position a few months after I lost my job and my wife told me not to do it so I could stay home with the kids.
There is a new cookie place down the street from our house that is open until 3am and I grabbed an application from them last Friday. I made plans to drop the application off this Friday (tomorrow) and that seemed to ruffle my wife's feathers today, even though we had discussed it twice so far this week and she even told me I should drop it off Friday. I told her I was going to finish the application on Thursday and she was fine with it. Tonight, I went to finish the application and she wondered why I hadn't done it yet. Then she wanted to know why I hadn't gone over and handed it in. She also wanted to know I hadn't called there yet. I explained that she had worked all week and her schedule was so I couldn't drop it off when they opened and I could have only gone over late at night and I didn't want to take the kids with me when I did it and I assume that none of that was good enough for her.
She then went on a rant about how I don't work out anymore and I'm not motivated to do anything. She isn't home with the kids all week. The two days when I have any free time is when she is off and we do things. The other days are consumed with the kids. I am trying to get one kid on track for school (which is a whole story that I will do another time), I am trying to get the other one to speak. I am doing laundry, cleaning, doing dishes and so on. As far as working out, my work out is the kids. We go outside and I keep an eye on the kids. Granted, I could go for more walks with them, which I am planning but we play a lot in the back yard. It's not like I can say "Hey kids, you stay here, I am going to go to the gym/run." It's not like when my wife gets home that I am going to say to her, "Hey, you've just worked 10-12 hours, you watch the kids for the next hour or two while I go to the gym." I also really messed up my foot/ankle about a month ago and just a few days ago, it started feeling better. I was in a walking boot for over a week and haven't been able to do much for the past month. Like I said, if her schedule was different, it would be different. She has also said that she wants me to try to find a job where she can stay at home and I go to work. I don't have a degree. I only know retail management. No one that I know is going to had over what my wife makes and more to someone who hasn't had a job in 3 years and was terminated from their previous job right off the bat. We also don't have the money where I could try to do something like screen printing or finish my degree. I would be at a job that offered me what she made in a heartbeat and she could stay home if it was a reality. Also, if both kids were in school, I could do a day time part time job that isn't going happen in another 3 years.
All of this is making me angry and pissed at myself. I already fall into the social norm mindset that I should be at work and I feel like a loser that I am not and that I haven't done anything with my life at 33, other than being a dad, which I know is seriously important but it's just different. Now I have this from my wife and it is emotionally draining with all of that. I just want to yell, "What do you really want me to do?" Our oldest child is going to be starting full day kindergarten in September and also soccer and more time with reinforcing his lessons at school and soccer practice/games are now on the agenda and taking up more time.
Also, while I am bitching, my wife and I got into the other day because our toilet wasn't working right. Our oldest son always clogs the toilet and he did it at our old place too because he takes giant shits. Anyway, it got clogged one time too many for my wife and she went off and took it out on me. She said "Can you please call Chris (our landlord) and tell him about the toilet, or do I have to do everything around this house?" That is real offensive. I don't mean to come off as a baby but she really doesn't do much around the house and that's cool. She might cook dinner once or twice a week, maybe. I try to do everything else because of how demanding her job is. That includes most of everything that has to do with the kids as well. She pays the bills and goes to work but she doesn't change the diapers, do the laundry, give baths, feed the kids, clean the dishes, clean out the kitty litter, clean up the toys, take out the trash, clean up after the dogs, vacuum, put clothes away, clean up after the kids and on. It would be rad to get some reassurance that what I do is important and helpful.
So here is the bottom line, I am trying to get this stay at home dad thing down still and there is always room for improvement. I am trying to find a part time job. I am trying to live in reality and just because I am not employed somewhere, doesn't mean that I don't care or need encouragement.
Moving on, my wife has been up my ass a lot lately about being motivated to do things. I really don't know what she expects me to do. Her job is very time consuming and she works a ton of hours and her schedule is not consistent at all. It's not like she works 9-5 everyday and I can go work at a part time job after she gets off work. She can go into work at 4am or close and not get off until midnight and every shift in between. The only thing that can be taken advantage of is that she is off Friday and Saturday. About six months to a year ago, I had two interviews with her company to come on full time and that didn't work. I then had a third to come on part time and again, I wasn't hired. Now, my wife is on me to find something or at least try. I filled out about 8 applications where part time weekend nights help would be needed and still nothing. Pizza place, grocery stores, movie theaters and convenient stores and nothing. To be honest, I was fired from my last job. It wasn't anything major or illegal but it happened and I think it's really hurting my chances to find a new job. The funniest thing is that I had an interview set up for a management position a few months after I lost my job and my wife told me not to do it so I could stay home with the kids.
There is a new cookie place down the street from our house that is open until 3am and I grabbed an application from them last Friday. I made plans to drop the application off this Friday (tomorrow) and that seemed to ruffle my wife's feathers today, even though we had discussed it twice so far this week and she even told me I should drop it off Friday. I told her I was going to finish the application on Thursday and she was fine with it. Tonight, I went to finish the application and she wondered why I hadn't done it yet. Then she wanted to know why I hadn't gone over and handed it in. She also wanted to know I hadn't called there yet. I explained that she had worked all week and her schedule was so I couldn't drop it off when they opened and I could have only gone over late at night and I didn't want to take the kids with me when I did it and I assume that none of that was good enough for her.
She then went on a rant about how I don't work out anymore and I'm not motivated to do anything. She isn't home with the kids all week. The two days when I have any free time is when she is off and we do things. The other days are consumed with the kids. I am trying to get one kid on track for school (which is a whole story that I will do another time), I am trying to get the other one to speak. I am doing laundry, cleaning, doing dishes and so on. As far as working out, my work out is the kids. We go outside and I keep an eye on the kids. Granted, I could go for more walks with them, which I am planning but we play a lot in the back yard. It's not like I can say "Hey kids, you stay here, I am going to go to the gym/run." It's not like when my wife gets home that I am going to say to her, "Hey, you've just worked 10-12 hours, you watch the kids for the next hour or two while I go to the gym." I also really messed up my foot/ankle about a month ago and just a few days ago, it started feeling better. I was in a walking boot for over a week and haven't been able to do much for the past month. Like I said, if her schedule was different, it would be different. She has also said that she wants me to try to find a job where she can stay at home and I go to work. I don't have a degree. I only know retail management. No one that I know is going to had over what my wife makes and more to someone who hasn't had a job in 3 years and was terminated from their previous job right off the bat. We also don't have the money where I could try to do something like screen printing or finish my degree. I would be at a job that offered me what she made in a heartbeat and she could stay home if it was a reality. Also, if both kids were in school, I could do a day time part time job that isn't going happen in another 3 years.
All of this is making me angry and pissed at myself. I already fall into the social norm mindset that I should be at work and I feel like a loser that I am not and that I haven't done anything with my life at 33, other than being a dad, which I know is seriously important but it's just different. Now I have this from my wife and it is emotionally draining with all of that. I just want to yell, "What do you really want me to do?" Our oldest child is going to be starting full day kindergarten in September and also soccer and more time with reinforcing his lessons at school and soccer practice/games are now on the agenda and taking up more time.
Also, while I am bitching, my wife and I got into the other day because our toilet wasn't working right. Our oldest son always clogs the toilet and he did it at our old place too because he takes giant shits. Anyway, it got clogged one time too many for my wife and she went off and took it out on me. She said "Can you please call Chris (our landlord) and tell him about the toilet, or do I have to do everything around this house?" That is real offensive. I don't mean to come off as a baby but she really doesn't do much around the house and that's cool. She might cook dinner once or twice a week, maybe. I try to do everything else because of how demanding her job is. That includes most of everything that has to do with the kids as well. She pays the bills and goes to work but she doesn't change the diapers, do the laundry, give baths, feed the kids, clean the dishes, clean out the kitty litter, clean up the toys, take out the trash, clean up after the dogs, vacuum, put clothes away, clean up after the kids and on. It would be rad to get some reassurance that what I do is important and helpful.
So here is the bottom line, I am trying to get this stay at home dad thing down still and there is always room for improvement. I am trying to find a part time job. I am trying to live in reality and just because I am not employed somewhere, doesn't mean that I don't care or need encouragement.
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