I never got to see Judge play before May of this year. I was only 10 when they broke up. As I came into my mid to late teenage years, Judge became a very important part of my life. They were a straight edge group and straight edge and hardcore/punk became something that would get me through some of the worst and most trying times of my life. Straight edge is a lifestyle that rejects the use of drugs, alcohol and smoking and can go hand in hand with other lifestyles like vegetarianism and veganism but isn't necessary although some would disagree. I became straight edge at 15. I was really into grundge and punk starting at 12 or 13. I was never allowed to listen to any of that music but I was able to sneak a radio into my room and instead of sleeping, I spent my nights listening to local radio stations. When I was home alone, I was able to sneak MTV and see bands like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Green Day and others. When my family went to the mall, I would go off by myself and go to the music store and they would play any album I wanted on the CD listening station. I think a few of the workers took pity of me and helped me pick things out to listen to. I bought my first CD in 1995. It was Punk O Rama 1 on Epitaph Records because it was a compilation and it was cheap. I was instantly drawn to the straight forward fast music on that comp by bands like Bad Religion, and Pennywise. It was angry, aggressive and straight to the point. I got a portable CD player on my 15th birthday and I remember riding my bike around listening to "Do What You Want" by Bad Religion over and over again.
Later that year, I met my eventual first girlfriend. She was the first real punk I ever met. She had a mohawk and tons of piercings. Tons of chains and studded accessories. Her sister had an older boyfriend, Jason, who was a New Jersey hardcore guy. After talking to him a few times, he made me a tape of bands he thought I would like or needed to hear. It only had three bands on it. Misfits - Walk Among Us. Downset - Do We Speak A Dead Language and Earth Crisis - Gomorrah's Season End. That tape changed my life forever. The Misfits would become one my favorite punk bands. Downset - Do We Speak A Dead Language would become one of my favorite hardcore albums. Earth Crisis would introduce me to straight edge.
I had heard of straight edge before by reading about punk and hardcore and from friends but never really understood what it was. I finally had a band in my life that was saying out loud, "I am straight edge!" Earth Crisis wasn't really the sound of music that I particularly liked. It was a little too metal and hard for my taste at the time. But the message was more important to the sound. I talked to Jason about straight edge a few weeks later and he told me what it was and how it started. I instantly said, "Yeap, that's for me!" I had seen a lot of musicians and actors and people I looked up to as a kid and teenager get hooked on drugs and alcohol. I had friends and enemies getting fucked up and I didn't get it. My father was an alcoholic and it was something I never wanted to be.
My new lifestyle choices were not going over well at school. I was in a very fundamentalist Christian school at the time. They were very restrictive and rebelling against it and my home life was the only way I could see things going. I've never been a person to get too loud or to cause a scene to get attention. I like to do things quietly for the most part. So my rebellions were rarely seen or in your face. Without getting into a long drawn out story, that could take up a few entries, about what happened at school, I got kicked out of school at 16. To my surprise, my mom was not mad at me. I was sent to public school. Within a few weeks, I had met a few guys who were a year a head of me, who were into straight edge. They introduced me into bands like Floorpunch and Strife. That same year, I went to a used CD store and found another compilation album that would also change my life. It was called In Flight Program on Revelation Records. I got introduced to Judge along with Gorilla Biscuits, Youth Of Today, Bold and Chain Of Strength. I had bought the CD because of Youth Of Today. When I was 14, I was in a thrift store with my mom and I found a black shirt with a picture of a bald guy jumping in the air and it said YOUTH OF TODAY under neath it. I had no clue what it was but it looked rad. My mom bought it for me for .98. I still have the shirt and my wife eventually framed it for me and put it on the wall of our basement.
I started going to shows about the same time too. Whatever I could find. My musical preference expanded as my high school years moved on. I never tried to stay in one space with what I liked musically. There was too much good stuff out there to do that. I am still like that. I got my first car when I was 18 and I was able to start driving myself to shows. The internet started getting bigger and bigger. I was able to find information about bands and shows that were going on. I was able to order things over the internet. I still loved reading the thank you section on the albums and seeing what bands the band I just listened to liked. I would then take that list to record stores and buy what I could get.
By the time I turned 20, I had become jaded about the whole hardcore scene. I saw too much shit talking, especially stemming from the internet. I saw too much violence at shows. The scene was kindof stale to me and in retrospect, I was incredibly wrong and missed out on a ton of amazing things. I was working a lot at various jobs and spent time hanging out with the wrong people. Not bad people or people who lead me the wrong way. I was never a follower but people who I wasted that part of my life investing in. I was trying to figure out my life. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and also I was trying to find out my spiritual self, which took a few years. I stopped being straight edge. I did drink here and there. I only got drunk a few times in my life. I tried smoking. I tried weed a few times. I honestly wanted to see what it was all about. Maybe I was trying to rebel again. I still went to shows from time to time until I turned 24. My last show was Posi Numbers 2005 which was a hardcore music festival held in Wilkesbarre, Pa.
Later that year, I moved to Chicago and kindof disappeared for a few years. I had a girlfriend out there so I moved out there to work on our relationship. I worked a lot during those days. Six days a week and 10-12 hours a day. My relationship basically fell apart. I went through a very dark time in my life at that time. I finally came to the stance in my life that I didn't want any type of religion in my life. It never worked for me. I never felt anything and I tried for way too many years trying to find peace or some revelation that I was told would happen. I tried a number of religions and nothing fulfilled me. After spending a few months either in my apartment or at work, I met a friend who was still involved in the hardcore scene. She helped me back into the scene and even though our friendship eventually fell apart, I still owe her a thank you for getting me out of that years long funk. She was the reason I eventually met my wife and had my kids. We would go to shows just about every weekend. After a few months of doing that I made the decision to go back to being straight edge. I met my wife around the same time. We fell into love with each other very quickly. That next year was pretty amazing. I met so many new friends and bands. My wife and I married a year after we started dating.
After living in Chicago for about four years, I wanted to move back east. My wife supported it. We moved to Philadelphia in October 2007. It took a few years but we eventually settled in and made friends and set up a life and having kids helped.
I know that being straight edge isn't for everyone. I would never preach to anyone about it. I spent a lot of my years having beliefs shoved down my throat that I can't do that to anyone else. I looked at my father and how he lived in a bottle and I looked at my mother and how she lived in a Bible and realized that they are essentially the same. As I reconnected with my father and as he stepped away from his addiction, his reasons became clear to me. It never justified it but it came clear to me. I understood why he did what he did.
When my kids get to a certain age, I am going to have talks with them about drugs and alcohol and I will never sugarcoat what I did in my life and my wife won't either. I also won't hide them from what their grandfather did and what drinking and addiction can lead to. It's not wrong to drink or even try drugs. I understand that experimentation in things is all part of growing up but not to let those things define who you are or control you.
My son Jonas is his straight edge varsity jacket.
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