Building Blocks Part 2

When I first found out I was having a child, I internally freaked out. As I do with most of my emotions, I kept them inside but in all honesty, I was scared shitless. I didn't know how to be a father. I never had a good example. The only things I had knowledge of were the things I shouldn't do which is far from knowing the things that you should do. I wasn't scared about changing diapers or staying up all night with a sick child. I was scared of how to discipline. I was scared of how to love my child. I was scared of what to teach my child and how to do it.

I have two children now and not a day goes by where I still don't have those fears. Every day I ask myself on how I did today. When I fail and I know I failed, it hurts. When I succeed, I am happy but I am still taken over by the times when I failed. My wife told me this week that I am too hard on my oldest sometimes. The instant feeling of guilt and disappointment in myself struck and hard. I needed it though. I needed to hear it and I needed to reflect. Fathers can't go through our days not reflecting. Our job is way too important not to. We can't go to bed without thinking on how we did today. There are going to be days when we fall flat our faces and we become the people that we abhor, even for a brief moment. It happens. We are human but that is not an excuse. There are going to be days when we climb the mountain and put our flag into the rock and puff our chest and rejoice. It happens. We are human. This is also not an excuse to not push forward. Once the clouds clear, you can clearly see the next peak in front of you with a deep valley you must descend into and then a steep climb.

My step father was never truly there for me, physically or emotionally. I played baseball for four years and I only ever recall him coming to one game. He loved golf, he wanted me to love golf. He took me out a few times but I never did get into it. The only things I ever remember about those outings were negative. I once almost another person with a ball, my step father grabbed me around the neck and pulled me and scolded me while I was in tears. I brought my golf bag onto the green and he yelled at me, I did it once more and he smacked me across the face. To teach me how to hit the ball without pulling my head up, he thought it would be a good idea to grab my hair and when I would swing, if I picked my head up, he would pull it. I remember standing there hitting balls with tears in my eyes because this asshole thought it would be a good idea to pull a child's hair. He was never involved in my school work. I never did home work with him. I never read with him. The activities of a child were left to either myself or my mother to be involved in. I have done more with my children in the last four years than I ever did with my father and step father combined.

My mother did the best she could. I previously stated her rough side and how she could be but I can always look back and say that she tried her best. She was at every baseball game. She tried to help me do my school work even though she never graduated high school herself. She became pregnant with my oldest brother when she was 17 and my father was 16. In rural America, even back in the 1960's, this was still controversial and looked down on. They both dropped out of school and got married and my father went to work. I think the best way I could describe the differences between my mother and step father when it came to parenting and involvement of my life happened when I was 18. I was ready to go to college. I had to fight tooth and nail to get my step father to sit down and fill out my financial aid forms. When everything came back, I was not given near enough in scholarships or aid to attend the few colleges that I had on my list. When I got the letter, I read it to my mom. I got really upset. My mother cried and told me that if she could, she would pay for everything. My step father asked what was going on and we told him and he said "Oh well, things happen." and then he walked out of the room.

So going back and getting onto the point of these entries. How do I do this? How do I do this fatherhood thing? There are times when I see my step father, mother and even father slipping into my actions. It's almost impossible to stop it. I know I'm not the only one who has this same issue. I know some men won't break the cycle of abuse, stupidity, cruelty, apathy and anger. It's easy to jump right into the steps that were already laid out in front of you. The hard thing is doing it differently. Doing the right thing is never easy and the job is never done.