Before bed last night, I brought Jonas close to me and told him "I'm never going to leave you, okay? I will either be right next to you or in your heart." He took it to heart. I don't know why I felt like I needed to say it but I needed him to hear it. I tell him a lot of times throughout the day that I love him and he just says it out of nowhere to me too. I love that. It seriously is the best thing ever and it always makes those hard days so much easier.
We were sitting on the couch tonight watching TV and he rolled off the couch and came up to me and got face to face with me and looked me in the eye and said "Daddy, I am never going to leave you. Neither is Mommy." I looked over at Rebecca and she had a "AW! How sweet" look on her face. I gave him a huge hug and told him I would never leave him. Pretty awesome stuff.
It's incredibly reassuring, even as a kid, to know that someone is always going to have your back and is always going to be there for you. Try it...
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Derek
If you have Netflix, I suggest you watch the new Netflix original series Derek. It was created, written by and stars Ricky Gervais. I am a huge Gervais fan. His stand up is hilarious. He writes and creates some of my favorite shows (The Office, Extras, Life's Too Short, The Ricky Gervais Show). His new show Derek, centers around a mentally challenged nursing home aid. It's extremely funny but is equally heartwarming and sad. It's a difficult mixture but it works. It tackles the issues of death, forgiveness, love, friendship, purpose and value of life and appreciating others but at the same time, keeping comedy in the mix of it all without turning into a romantic comedy. There are only 7 episodes and they are all less than 30 minutes so it will take you about three hours to get through the whole series.
The last episode hit home hard for me as Derek's estranged father tries to reconnect with Derek after almost 50 years. I recently went through the same thing just over the last year so it was incredibly real to me and the dialogue is incredibly eye opening for any father. I encourage anyone to curl up on the couch for the night and watch the whole series. Grab some tissues though.
The last episode hit home hard for me as Derek's estranged father tries to reconnect with Derek after almost 50 years. I recently went through the same thing just over the last year so it was incredibly real to me and the dialogue is incredibly eye opening for any father. I encourage anyone to curl up on the couch for the night and watch the whole series. Grab some tissues though.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
No sick days
So I'd have to say that one of the worst things about being a stay at home parent, especially with small kids, is that you don't get sick days. If my wife is sick, I can keep the kids away from her so she can get some sleep and make sure she gets a full night sleep if one of the kids wake up. If I am sick, she can't take the day off of work to take care of me or take care of the kids while I get better. It just doesn't work that way. My kids were sick last week and now I am sick this week. Man, I miss those days when I got sick and I didn't have kids. I could take NyQuil and sleep for hours upon hours. I could take naps during the day to recuperate or just not leave my bed. Before I had kids, I would get really sick once a year. I would have a few minor colds now and then but nothing really bad. Now, with one of my kids in school, I feel like I am getting sick once a month. These are the things no one tells you about before you have kids. I am sure it will get easier when the kids get older and I can leave them alone for more than a few minutes to take a nap or be able to sleep through the night without the fear of not hearing one of them waking up in their sleep but for now it kindof sucks. I'll just switch from NyQuil to DayQuil.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
XXX
Friday night, I got much needed night off from the kids. One of my favorite bands, Judge, was playing a small venue in Brooklyn and even thought the show was sold out, a friend of mine offered me a ticket to go. I had an awesome time with some friends and one of my favorite bands. Judge broke up in 1991 and got back together in May of this year and played the Black And Blue Bowl in NYC in front of probably 2000+ people. They played again in August in Philadelphia at This Is Hardcore Fest in front of another 2000+ people. The show last night was for about 200.
I never got to see Judge play before May of this year. I was only 10 when they broke up. As I came into my mid to late teenage years, Judge became a very important part of my life. They were a straight edge group and straight edge and hardcore/punk became something that would get me through some of the worst and most trying times of my life. Straight edge is a lifestyle that rejects the use of drugs, alcohol and smoking and can go hand in hand with other lifestyles like vegetarianism and veganism but isn't necessary although some would disagree. I became straight edge at 15. I was really into grundge and punk starting at 12 or 13. I was never allowed to listen to any of that music but I was able to sneak a radio into my room and instead of sleeping, I spent my nights listening to local radio stations. When I was home alone, I was able to sneak MTV and see bands like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Green Day and others. When my family went to the mall, I would go off by myself and go to the music store and they would play any album I wanted on the CD listening station. I think a few of the workers took pity of me and helped me pick things out to listen to. I bought my first CD in 1995. It was Punk O Rama 1 on Epitaph Records because it was a compilation and it was cheap. I was instantly drawn to the straight forward fast music on that comp by bands like Bad Religion, and Pennywise. It was angry, aggressive and straight to the point. I got a portable CD player on my 15th birthday and I remember riding my bike around listening to "Do What You Want" by Bad Religion over and over again.
Later that year, I met my eventual first girlfriend. She was the first real punk I ever met. She had a mohawk and tons of piercings. Tons of chains and studded accessories. Her sister had an older boyfriend, Jason, who was a New Jersey hardcore guy. After talking to him a few times, he made me a tape of bands he thought I would like or needed to hear. It only had three bands on it. Misfits - Walk Among Us. Downset - Do We Speak A Dead Language and Earth Crisis - Gomorrah's Season End. That tape changed my life forever. The Misfits would become one my favorite punk bands. Downset - Do We Speak A Dead Language would become one of my favorite hardcore albums. Earth Crisis would introduce me to straight edge.
I had heard of straight edge before by reading about punk and hardcore and from friends but never really understood what it was. I finally had a band in my life that was saying out loud, "I am straight edge!" Earth Crisis wasn't really the sound of music that I particularly liked. It was a little too metal and hard for my taste at the time. But the message was more important to the sound. I talked to Jason about straight edge a few weeks later and he told me what it was and how it started. I instantly said, "Yeap, that's for me!" I had seen a lot of musicians and actors and people I looked up to as a kid and teenager get hooked on drugs and alcohol. I had friends and enemies getting fucked up and I didn't get it. My father was an alcoholic and it was something I never wanted to be.
My new lifestyle choices were not going over well at school. I was in a very fundamentalist Christian school at the time. They were very restrictive and rebelling against it and my home life was the only way I could see things going. I've never been a person to get too loud or to cause a scene to get attention. I like to do things quietly for the most part. So my rebellions were rarely seen or in your face. Without getting into a long drawn out story, that could take up a few entries, about what happened at school, I got kicked out of school at 16. To my surprise, my mom was not mad at me. I was sent to public school. Within a few weeks, I had met a few guys who were a year a head of me, who were into straight edge. They introduced me into bands like Floorpunch and Strife. That same year, I went to a used CD store and found another compilation album that would also change my life. It was called In Flight Program on Revelation Records. I got introduced to Judge along with Gorilla Biscuits, Youth Of Today, Bold and Chain Of Strength. I had bought the CD because of Youth Of Today. When I was 14, I was in a thrift store with my mom and I found a black shirt with a picture of a bald guy jumping in the air and it said YOUTH OF TODAY under neath it. I had no clue what it was but it looked rad. My mom bought it for me for .98. I still have the shirt and my wife eventually framed it for me and put it on the wall of our basement.
I started going to shows about the same time too. Whatever I could find. My musical preference expanded as my high school years moved on. I never tried to stay in one space with what I liked musically. There was too much good stuff out there to do that. I am still like that. I got my first car when I was 18 and I was able to start driving myself to shows. The internet started getting bigger and bigger. I was able to find information about bands and shows that were going on. I was able to order things over the internet. I still loved reading the thank you section on the albums and seeing what bands the band I just listened to liked. I would then take that list to record stores and buy what I could get.
By the time I turned 20, I had become jaded about the whole hardcore scene. I saw too much shit talking, especially stemming from the internet. I saw too much violence at shows. The scene was kindof stale to me and in retrospect, I was incredibly wrong and missed out on a ton of amazing things. I was working a lot at various jobs and spent time hanging out with the wrong people. Not bad people or people who lead me the wrong way. I was never a follower but people who I wasted that part of my life investing in. I was trying to figure out my life. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and also I was trying to find out my spiritual self, which took a few years. I stopped being straight edge. I did drink here and there. I only got drunk a few times in my life. I tried smoking. I tried weed a few times. I honestly wanted to see what it was all about. Maybe I was trying to rebel again. I still went to shows from time to time until I turned 24. My last show was Posi Numbers 2005 which was a hardcore music festival held in Wilkesbarre, Pa.
Later that year, I moved to Chicago and kindof disappeared for a few years. I had a girlfriend out there so I moved out there to work on our relationship. I worked a lot during those days. Six days a week and 10-12 hours a day. My relationship basically fell apart. I went through a very dark time in my life at that time. I finally came to the stance in my life that I didn't want any type of religion in my life. It never worked for me. I never felt anything and I tried for way too many years trying to find peace or some revelation that I was told would happen. I tried a number of religions and nothing fulfilled me. After spending a few months either in my apartment or at work, I met a friend who was still involved in the hardcore scene. She helped me back into the scene and even though our friendship eventually fell apart, I still owe her a thank you for getting me out of that years long funk. She was the reason I eventually met my wife and had my kids. We would go to shows just about every weekend. After a few months of doing that I made the decision to go back to being straight edge. I met my wife around the same time. We fell into love with each other very quickly. That next year was pretty amazing. I met so many new friends and bands. My wife and I married a year after we started dating.
After living in Chicago for about four years, I wanted to move back east. My wife supported it. We moved to Philadelphia in October 2007. It took a few years but we eventually settled in and made friends and set up a life and having kids helped.
I know that being straight edge isn't for everyone. I would never preach to anyone about it. I spent a lot of my years having beliefs shoved down my throat that I can't do that to anyone else. I looked at my father and how he lived in a bottle and I looked at my mother and how she lived in a Bible and realized that they are essentially the same. As I reconnected with my father and as he stepped away from his addiction, his reasons became clear to me. It never justified it but it came clear to me. I understood why he did what he did.
When my kids get to a certain age, I am going to have talks with them about drugs and alcohol and I will never sugarcoat what I did in my life and my wife won't either. I also won't hide them from what their grandfather did and what drinking and addiction can lead to. It's not wrong to drink or even try drugs. I understand that experimentation in things is all part of growing up but not to let those things define who you are or control you.
I never got to see Judge play before May of this year. I was only 10 when they broke up. As I came into my mid to late teenage years, Judge became a very important part of my life. They were a straight edge group and straight edge and hardcore/punk became something that would get me through some of the worst and most trying times of my life. Straight edge is a lifestyle that rejects the use of drugs, alcohol and smoking and can go hand in hand with other lifestyles like vegetarianism and veganism but isn't necessary although some would disagree. I became straight edge at 15. I was really into grundge and punk starting at 12 or 13. I was never allowed to listen to any of that music but I was able to sneak a radio into my room and instead of sleeping, I spent my nights listening to local radio stations. When I was home alone, I was able to sneak MTV and see bands like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Green Day and others. When my family went to the mall, I would go off by myself and go to the music store and they would play any album I wanted on the CD listening station. I think a few of the workers took pity of me and helped me pick things out to listen to. I bought my first CD in 1995. It was Punk O Rama 1 on Epitaph Records because it was a compilation and it was cheap. I was instantly drawn to the straight forward fast music on that comp by bands like Bad Religion, and Pennywise. It was angry, aggressive and straight to the point. I got a portable CD player on my 15th birthday and I remember riding my bike around listening to "Do What You Want" by Bad Religion over and over again.
Later that year, I met my eventual first girlfriend. She was the first real punk I ever met. She had a mohawk and tons of piercings. Tons of chains and studded accessories. Her sister had an older boyfriend, Jason, who was a New Jersey hardcore guy. After talking to him a few times, he made me a tape of bands he thought I would like or needed to hear. It only had three bands on it. Misfits - Walk Among Us. Downset - Do We Speak A Dead Language and Earth Crisis - Gomorrah's Season End. That tape changed my life forever. The Misfits would become one my favorite punk bands. Downset - Do We Speak A Dead Language would become one of my favorite hardcore albums. Earth Crisis would introduce me to straight edge.
I had heard of straight edge before by reading about punk and hardcore and from friends but never really understood what it was. I finally had a band in my life that was saying out loud, "I am straight edge!" Earth Crisis wasn't really the sound of music that I particularly liked. It was a little too metal and hard for my taste at the time. But the message was more important to the sound. I talked to Jason about straight edge a few weeks later and he told me what it was and how it started. I instantly said, "Yeap, that's for me!" I had seen a lot of musicians and actors and people I looked up to as a kid and teenager get hooked on drugs and alcohol. I had friends and enemies getting fucked up and I didn't get it. My father was an alcoholic and it was something I never wanted to be.
My new lifestyle choices were not going over well at school. I was in a very fundamentalist Christian school at the time. They were very restrictive and rebelling against it and my home life was the only way I could see things going. I've never been a person to get too loud or to cause a scene to get attention. I like to do things quietly for the most part. So my rebellions were rarely seen or in your face. Without getting into a long drawn out story, that could take up a few entries, about what happened at school, I got kicked out of school at 16. To my surprise, my mom was not mad at me. I was sent to public school. Within a few weeks, I had met a few guys who were a year a head of me, who were into straight edge. They introduced me into bands like Floorpunch and Strife. That same year, I went to a used CD store and found another compilation album that would also change my life. It was called In Flight Program on Revelation Records. I got introduced to Judge along with Gorilla Biscuits, Youth Of Today, Bold and Chain Of Strength. I had bought the CD because of Youth Of Today. When I was 14, I was in a thrift store with my mom and I found a black shirt with a picture of a bald guy jumping in the air and it said YOUTH OF TODAY under neath it. I had no clue what it was but it looked rad. My mom bought it for me for .98. I still have the shirt and my wife eventually framed it for me and put it on the wall of our basement.
I started going to shows about the same time too. Whatever I could find. My musical preference expanded as my high school years moved on. I never tried to stay in one space with what I liked musically. There was too much good stuff out there to do that. I am still like that. I got my first car when I was 18 and I was able to start driving myself to shows. The internet started getting bigger and bigger. I was able to find information about bands and shows that were going on. I was able to order things over the internet. I still loved reading the thank you section on the albums and seeing what bands the band I just listened to liked. I would then take that list to record stores and buy what I could get.
By the time I turned 20, I had become jaded about the whole hardcore scene. I saw too much shit talking, especially stemming from the internet. I saw too much violence at shows. The scene was kindof stale to me and in retrospect, I was incredibly wrong and missed out on a ton of amazing things. I was working a lot at various jobs and spent time hanging out with the wrong people. Not bad people or people who lead me the wrong way. I was never a follower but people who I wasted that part of my life investing in. I was trying to figure out my life. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and also I was trying to find out my spiritual self, which took a few years. I stopped being straight edge. I did drink here and there. I only got drunk a few times in my life. I tried smoking. I tried weed a few times. I honestly wanted to see what it was all about. Maybe I was trying to rebel again. I still went to shows from time to time until I turned 24. My last show was Posi Numbers 2005 which was a hardcore music festival held in Wilkesbarre, Pa.
Later that year, I moved to Chicago and kindof disappeared for a few years. I had a girlfriend out there so I moved out there to work on our relationship. I worked a lot during those days. Six days a week and 10-12 hours a day. My relationship basically fell apart. I went through a very dark time in my life at that time. I finally came to the stance in my life that I didn't want any type of religion in my life. It never worked for me. I never felt anything and I tried for way too many years trying to find peace or some revelation that I was told would happen. I tried a number of religions and nothing fulfilled me. After spending a few months either in my apartment or at work, I met a friend who was still involved in the hardcore scene. She helped me back into the scene and even though our friendship eventually fell apart, I still owe her a thank you for getting me out of that years long funk. She was the reason I eventually met my wife and had my kids. We would go to shows just about every weekend. After a few months of doing that I made the decision to go back to being straight edge. I met my wife around the same time. We fell into love with each other very quickly. That next year was pretty amazing. I met so many new friends and bands. My wife and I married a year after we started dating.
After living in Chicago for about four years, I wanted to move back east. My wife supported it. We moved to Philadelphia in October 2007. It took a few years but we eventually settled in and made friends and set up a life and having kids helped.
I know that being straight edge isn't for everyone. I would never preach to anyone about it. I spent a lot of my years having beliefs shoved down my throat that I can't do that to anyone else. I looked at my father and how he lived in a bottle and I looked at my mother and how she lived in a Bible and realized that they are essentially the same. As I reconnected with my father and as he stepped away from his addiction, his reasons became clear to me. It never justified it but it came clear to me. I understood why he did what he did.
When my kids get to a certain age, I am going to have talks with them about drugs and alcohol and I will never sugarcoat what I did in my life and my wife won't either. I also won't hide them from what their grandfather did and what drinking and addiction can lead to. It's not wrong to drink or even try drugs. I understand that experimentation in things is all part of growing up but not to let those things define who you are or control you.
My son Jonas is his straight edge varsity jacket.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Sick boy(s)
Both the boys have been sick over the last few days and it's been incredibly frustrating. Jonas has always been easy to deal with when he is sick. He doesn't really want to do anything but snuggle and relax. Brayden was that way last year as a baby. He basically slept and wanted to be held. Not anymore. He started getting sick on Monday with a runny nose and by Wednesday, he turned into Linda Blair. Tuesday night, he had me up basically all night. My job is to take care of the kids so I generally don't bother my wife when the kids wake up. She also can sleep through anything. I am pretty sure that if someone ever broke into the house, I could shoot off a gun and have the police show up and the whole shebang and she would sleep through the whole thing.
So Tuesday night into Wednesday was rough. Brayden finally fell asleep around 4am. I had to wake up at 730am to take Jonas to school. Rebecca and Brayden woke up around 945am. I went and got Jonas from school around 1130am and then we went to the library to get some movies and books. Jonas started to get a runny nose then. We cancelled our plans to go to the Philadelphia Zoo with our friends. Right after I got home, Brayden puked all over Rebecca. We got it cleaned up and I went upstairs to watch a movie with Jonas and take a small nap. About an hour later, Brayden puked all over Rebecca again. She came upstairs with him and I helped her get him undressed and into the bath. After that, I was able to take about an hour nap but Brayden kept crying downstairs and that continued off and on until he finally fells asleep around 9pm.
He puked one more time around 8pm though. He walked over to me and he was crying so I picked him up. His shirt was all wet. I asked Rebecca, "His shirt is all wet, do you think it was his juice or he puked again?" As soon as I said that, he unleashed a massive amount of putrid vomit all over me and the couch and then I put him down and he barfed again all over the carpet. It was the worse smelling puke I've ever smelt. I have a solid stomach and I never get queezy. As soon as the smell hit me, I gagged. Rebecca saw I was about the yack and she told me to get out of the room. I started walking out of the room and I gagged again and let out a giant vurp. I was able to get my stomach under control. I took off my clothes and got Brayden changed and Rebecca broke put the carpet cleaner. We got him ready to bed and finally got him to go to sleep. We put Jonas to sleep and watched American Horror Story and then went to bed. Another rough night was ahead.
Brayden spent the night sleeping and then crying and sleeping and crying. We had the humidifier going. He had chest rub on and we had the vapor plug in going too. He again finally fell asleep around 4am and then had me up for good around 7am. He was a lot better when he woke up but still kind of snotty. When Jonas woke up, he was sick now. We had to break out his breathing treatment machine. I had gone to Target the day before to get his Albuterol refilled. When Jonas gets sick, he has a hard time breathing so we need to do breathing treatments for him. Rebecca left for work around 1130am and around noon, I had to go to the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom, Jonas comes running upstairs and he is covered in puke and said "Dad! I threw up." He puked on the couch too. I got him cleaned up and put him in the tub and gave him a bath. I got him dressed and put him in our bed and put a movie on. I had him lay there most of the day/night.
Yesterday was kindof easy. Brayden was much better and Jonas was a slug. I passed out around 830pm while trying to watch Thursday Night Football. As soon as I finally fell asleep, he walked over to me and smacked me in the face. Oh man. I almost lost it. At that point, I got him ready for bed and laid him down. I then got Jonas into bed. Rebecca came home around 11pm. We watched some TV and she went to sleep. I needed some alone time so I stayed up and played some video games. Starting around 12am, Brayden decided that he wanted to sleep for a half hour and wake up crying until 4am. So ever half hour, I had to go into his room and get him back to sleep. The last time at 4am, Rebecca woke up and asked if everything was okay and I snapped on her. I yelled "EVERYTHING IS FINE! I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!" She didn't say anything. I got to sleep until 8am when Jonas got into bed with me.
Brayden woke up at 9 and we came downstairs. I got him some juice and a fruit pouch. He sat on my lap and I fed him. A few minutes into eating, he puked all over himself and my legs. Man, I am so over this.
So Tuesday night into Wednesday was rough. Brayden finally fell asleep around 4am. I had to wake up at 730am to take Jonas to school. Rebecca and Brayden woke up around 945am. I went and got Jonas from school around 1130am and then we went to the library to get some movies and books. Jonas started to get a runny nose then. We cancelled our plans to go to the Philadelphia Zoo with our friends. Right after I got home, Brayden puked all over Rebecca. We got it cleaned up and I went upstairs to watch a movie with Jonas and take a small nap. About an hour later, Brayden puked all over Rebecca again. She came upstairs with him and I helped her get him undressed and into the bath. After that, I was able to take about an hour nap but Brayden kept crying downstairs and that continued off and on until he finally fells asleep around 9pm.
He puked one more time around 8pm though. He walked over to me and he was crying so I picked him up. His shirt was all wet. I asked Rebecca, "His shirt is all wet, do you think it was his juice or he puked again?" As soon as I said that, he unleashed a massive amount of putrid vomit all over me and the couch and then I put him down and he barfed again all over the carpet. It was the worse smelling puke I've ever smelt. I have a solid stomach and I never get queezy. As soon as the smell hit me, I gagged. Rebecca saw I was about the yack and she told me to get out of the room. I started walking out of the room and I gagged again and let out a giant vurp. I was able to get my stomach under control. I took off my clothes and got Brayden changed and Rebecca broke put the carpet cleaner. We got him ready to bed and finally got him to go to sleep. We put Jonas to sleep and watched American Horror Story and then went to bed. Another rough night was ahead.
Brayden spent the night sleeping and then crying and sleeping and crying. We had the humidifier going. He had chest rub on and we had the vapor plug in going too. He again finally fell asleep around 4am and then had me up for good around 7am. He was a lot better when he woke up but still kind of snotty. When Jonas woke up, he was sick now. We had to break out his breathing treatment machine. I had gone to Target the day before to get his Albuterol refilled. When Jonas gets sick, he has a hard time breathing so we need to do breathing treatments for him. Rebecca left for work around 1130am and around noon, I had to go to the bathroom. While I was in the bathroom, Jonas comes running upstairs and he is covered in puke and said "Dad! I threw up." He puked on the couch too. I got him cleaned up and put him in the tub and gave him a bath. I got him dressed and put him in our bed and put a movie on. I had him lay there most of the day/night.
Yesterday was kindof easy. Brayden was much better and Jonas was a slug. I passed out around 830pm while trying to watch Thursday Night Football. As soon as I finally fell asleep, he walked over to me and smacked me in the face. Oh man. I almost lost it. At that point, I got him ready for bed and laid him down. I then got Jonas into bed. Rebecca came home around 11pm. We watched some TV and she went to sleep. I needed some alone time so I stayed up and played some video games. Starting around 12am, Brayden decided that he wanted to sleep for a half hour and wake up crying until 4am. So ever half hour, I had to go into his room and get him back to sleep. The last time at 4am, Rebecca woke up and asked if everything was okay and I snapped on her. I yelled "EVERYTHING IS FINE! I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!" She didn't say anything. I got to sleep until 8am when Jonas got into bed with me.
Brayden woke up at 9 and we came downstairs. I got him some juice and a fruit pouch. He sat on my lap and I fed him. A few minutes into eating, he puked all over himself and my legs. Man, I am so over this.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Dave "The Hammer" Schultz
On Saturday, I took the boys over to the Cherry Hill Mall to meet Philadelphia Flyers great Dave "The Hammer" Schultz at a new sports apparel store called Roster. I never saw him play when I was a kid but I have a huge affection for history, especially sports history. I got the kids dressed up in their Flyers jerseys and I put on my Claude Giroux jersey.
We stood in line for about an hour. Brayden was great on the drive over and the walk through the mall but as soon as we started waiting in line, he decided that he wouldn't let us have a good time. Everything I gave him ended up on the ground and he kept yelling. Jonas did his best to help. I eventually had to pull out my phone and put Netflix on. They stood and line and watched Barney together. I don't think they have ever watched it. I am not a fan but it calmed them down. Jonas was super excited to get something autographed.
The people at Roster were great. They helped me when Brayden threw stuff on the ground and talked to Jonas a lot. They were super nice and would totally shop there again if I ever get over to the Cherry Hill Mall again. They looked like they have an awesome selection of Philadelphia sports apparel.
Dave Schultz was super nice too. He gave Jonas an autographed photo and then autographed a puck I bought for Jonas. It was either that or have him autograph Jonas' Flyers jersey. Jonas' nickname is Booger. It always gets looks and tons of attention whenever he wears it out. Even Dave said "BOOOOGER!" and laughed when we walked out.
Dave even let Jonas get a picture with him. That made Jonas' day too.
Jonas talked about his autographs all the way home until he fell asleep. He, of course, had to tell mommy as soon as she got home. The puck is on top our entertainment stand for everyone to see. His autographed picture is up in his room.
Even I got an autograph. I have an authentic Mitchell and Ness Schultz jersey that I got for Father's day a few years ago. I also have a Bernie Parent jersey which I need to get signed too but for now, this one will do. Thank you Roster, Mitchell And Ness and Dave Schultz for a great a memorable experience.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Where You Been
Over the past few weeks, I've been really into this band Dinosaur Jr. For those not familiar with them, they started off in 1984 and then broke up in 1997 and then reformed in 2005 and are still playing and putting out music. They have released 10 albums, including last years "I Bet On Sky". Honestly, I wasn't a fan or theirs until maybe five years ago or so. I do regret not getting into them sooner, especially when I was a teen. I knew about them but I just never gave them a chance. J. Mascis' guitar work and vocals compliment each other so well that they can not be separated. You can hear the same amount of pain, passion, heartbreak, love and lamenting in his vocals as you can in his guitar work and that is an extremely rare quality. He is ranked in the top 100 guitarist of all time by both Rolling Stone (86) and Spin (5).
I've really been into their 1993 album, "Where You Been". Man, what a masterpiece. If you were ever into 90's alternative music, get into it. There isn't a bad track on the whole album.
I've really been into their 1993 album, "Where You Been". Man, what a masterpiece. If you were ever into 90's alternative music, get into it. There isn't a bad track on the whole album.
Check out the video for the first song off this album "Out There"
Accidents
Today was Jonas' trip to the local firehouse with his school. I couldn't make it with his class because my wife had to go to work early and I had to stay home with Brayden, our 1 year old. Before he left for school, I had him use the bathroom. When we got to school, I had him use it again. About an hour later, I got a call from his teacher. She told me that Jonas had an accident on the way back from the firehouse. Jonas is four. We have had a hard time with potty training him. He actually has been really awesome over the past month. He would rather play than go to the bathroom which I guess is normal but it's just incredibly frustrating.
I had to get Brayden dressed and run out the door with new clothes for Jonas. Some lady ran a four way stop sign and I almost ran into her and she flipped me off and drove away. I didn't even honk or throw my arms up. My hulk rage switch got flipped and I wanted to follow her but I couldn't. The rest of the drive I was trying to separate my anger for this lady and the frustration for my son peeing his pants at school. I was also concerned with his embarrassment which was really keeping me from getting mad at him.
I got to school and made it to his classroom and he was sitting eating snack. His teacher found a pair of sweatpants for him that were two sizes too small. He had a huge smile on his face when he saw me which was disarming. He ran over to me and gave me a hug and told me that he peed his pants and he said he was sorry. I told him that it was okay but he couldn't do it anymore. I decided to just take him home at that point. He had really done a number with his accident and his socks and shoes were peed on too. I didn't say much on the way home. We just listened to music. When we got in the door, he asked me if I was mad at him. I told him that I wasn't but I was frustrated and that he needs to tell someone when he has to go pee. The firehouse had bathrooms and so does his school.
I realize then that this whole keeping my emotions in isn't going to work so well with my kids. It needs to be done in moderation. My son shouldn't have to sit in a car, wondering if I am mad at him or not. It's not fair to him. I probably should have got down on my knee and talked to him as soon as we walked out of school. It may seem like a minor thing and if someone reads this and says "Your kid had an accident, get over it" or "it's not that big of a deal.", I would have to disagree. Yes in the grand scheme of life, it's not earth shattering but it's a teachable moment. Not just for my son but for myself.
Jonas showed me how to Stop, Drop and Roll.
I had to get Brayden dressed and run out the door with new clothes for Jonas. Some lady ran a four way stop sign and I almost ran into her and she flipped me off and drove away. I didn't even honk or throw my arms up. My hulk rage switch got flipped and I wanted to follow her but I couldn't. The rest of the drive I was trying to separate my anger for this lady and the frustration for my son peeing his pants at school. I was also concerned with his embarrassment which was really keeping me from getting mad at him.
I got to school and made it to his classroom and he was sitting eating snack. His teacher found a pair of sweatpants for him that were two sizes too small. He had a huge smile on his face when he saw me which was disarming. He ran over to me and gave me a hug and told me that he peed his pants and he said he was sorry. I told him that it was okay but he couldn't do it anymore. I decided to just take him home at that point. He had really done a number with his accident and his socks and shoes were peed on too. I didn't say much on the way home. We just listened to music. When we got in the door, he asked me if I was mad at him. I told him that I wasn't but I was frustrated and that he needs to tell someone when he has to go pee. The firehouse had bathrooms and so does his school.
I realize then that this whole keeping my emotions in isn't going to work so well with my kids. It needs to be done in moderation. My son shouldn't have to sit in a car, wondering if I am mad at him or not. It's not fair to him. I probably should have got down on my knee and talked to him as soon as we walked out of school. It may seem like a minor thing and if someone reads this and says "Your kid had an accident, get over it" or "it's not that big of a deal.", I would have to disagree. Yes in the grand scheme of life, it's not earth shattering but it's a teachable moment. Not just for my son but for myself.
Jonas showed me how to Stop, Drop and Roll.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Building Blocks Part 2
When I first found out I was having a child, I internally freaked out. As I do with most of my emotions, I kept them inside but in all honesty, I was scared shitless. I didn't know how to be a father. I never had a good example. The only things I had knowledge of were the things I shouldn't do which is far from knowing the things that you should do. I wasn't scared about changing diapers or staying up all night with a sick child. I was scared of how to discipline. I was scared of how to love my child. I was scared of what to teach my child and how to do it.
I have two children now and not a day goes by where I still don't have those fears. Every day I ask myself on how I did today. When I fail and I know I failed, it hurts. When I succeed, I am happy but I am still taken over by the times when I failed. My wife told me this week that I am too hard on my oldest sometimes. The instant feeling of guilt and disappointment in myself struck and hard. I needed it though. I needed to hear it and I needed to reflect. Fathers can't go through our days not reflecting. Our job is way too important not to. We can't go to bed without thinking on how we did today. There are going to be days when we fall flat our faces and we become the people that we abhor, even for a brief moment. It happens. We are human but that is not an excuse. There are going to be days when we climb the mountain and put our flag into the rock and puff our chest and rejoice. It happens. We are human. This is also not an excuse to not push forward. Once the clouds clear, you can clearly see the next peak in front of you with a deep valley you must descend into and then a steep climb.
My step father was never truly there for me, physically or emotionally. I played baseball for four years and I only ever recall him coming to one game. He loved golf, he wanted me to love golf. He took me out a few times but I never did get into it. The only things I ever remember about those outings were negative. I once almost another person with a ball, my step father grabbed me around the neck and pulled me and scolded me while I was in tears. I brought my golf bag onto the green and he yelled at me, I did it once more and he smacked me across the face. To teach me how to hit the ball without pulling my head up, he thought it would be a good idea to grab my hair and when I would swing, if I picked my head up, he would pull it. I remember standing there hitting balls with tears in my eyes because this asshole thought it would be a good idea to pull a child's hair. He was never involved in my school work. I never did home work with him. I never read with him. The activities of a child were left to either myself or my mother to be involved in. I have done more with my children in the last four years than I ever did with my father and step father combined.
My mother did the best she could. I previously stated her rough side and how she could be but I can always look back and say that she tried her best. She was at every baseball game. She tried to help me do my school work even though she never graduated high school herself. She became pregnant with my oldest brother when she was 17 and my father was 16. In rural America, even back in the 1960's, this was still controversial and looked down on. They both dropped out of school and got married and my father went to work. I think the best way I could describe the differences between my mother and step father when it came to parenting and involvement of my life happened when I was 18. I was ready to go to college. I had to fight tooth and nail to get my step father to sit down and fill out my financial aid forms. When everything came back, I was not given near enough in scholarships or aid to attend the few colleges that I had on my list. When I got the letter, I read it to my mom. I got really upset. My mother cried and told me that if she could, she would pay for everything. My step father asked what was going on and we told him and he said "Oh well, things happen." and then he walked out of the room.
So going back and getting onto the point of these entries. How do I do this? How do I do this fatherhood thing? There are times when I see my step father, mother and even father slipping into my actions. It's almost impossible to stop it. I know I'm not the only one who has this same issue. I know some men won't break the cycle of abuse, stupidity, cruelty, apathy and anger. It's easy to jump right into the steps that were already laid out in front of you. The hard thing is doing it differently. Doing the right thing is never easy and the job is never done.
I have two children now and not a day goes by where I still don't have those fears. Every day I ask myself on how I did today. When I fail and I know I failed, it hurts. When I succeed, I am happy but I am still taken over by the times when I failed. My wife told me this week that I am too hard on my oldest sometimes. The instant feeling of guilt and disappointment in myself struck and hard. I needed it though. I needed to hear it and I needed to reflect. Fathers can't go through our days not reflecting. Our job is way too important not to. We can't go to bed without thinking on how we did today. There are going to be days when we fall flat our faces and we become the people that we abhor, even for a brief moment. It happens. We are human but that is not an excuse. There are going to be days when we climb the mountain and put our flag into the rock and puff our chest and rejoice. It happens. We are human. This is also not an excuse to not push forward. Once the clouds clear, you can clearly see the next peak in front of you with a deep valley you must descend into and then a steep climb.
My step father was never truly there for me, physically or emotionally. I played baseball for four years and I only ever recall him coming to one game. He loved golf, he wanted me to love golf. He took me out a few times but I never did get into it. The only things I ever remember about those outings were negative. I once almost another person with a ball, my step father grabbed me around the neck and pulled me and scolded me while I was in tears. I brought my golf bag onto the green and he yelled at me, I did it once more and he smacked me across the face. To teach me how to hit the ball without pulling my head up, he thought it would be a good idea to grab my hair and when I would swing, if I picked my head up, he would pull it. I remember standing there hitting balls with tears in my eyes because this asshole thought it would be a good idea to pull a child's hair. He was never involved in my school work. I never did home work with him. I never read with him. The activities of a child were left to either myself or my mother to be involved in. I have done more with my children in the last four years than I ever did with my father and step father combined.
My mother did the best she could. I previously stated her rough side and how she could be but I can always look back and say that she tried her best. She was at every baseball game. She tried to help me do my school work even though she never graduated high school herself. She became pregnant with my oldest brother when she was 17 and my father was 16. In rural America, even back in the 1960's, this was still controversial and looked down on. They both dropped out of school and got married and my father went to work. I think the best way I could describe the differences between my mother and step father when it came to parenting and involvement of my life happened when I was 18. I was ready to go to college. I had to fight tooth and nail to get my step father to sit down and fill out my financial aid forms. When everything came back, I was not given near enough in scholarships or aid to attend the few colleges that I had on my list. When I got the letter, I read it to my mom. I got really upset. My mother cried and told me that if she could, she would pay for everything. My step father asked what was going on and we told him and he said "Oh well, things happen." and then he walked out of the room.
So going back and getting onto the point of these entries. How do I do this? How do I do this fatherhood thing? There are times when I see my step father, mother and even father slipping into my actions. It's almost impossible to stop it. I know I'm not the only one who has this same issue. I know some men won't break the cycle of abuse, stupidity, cruelty, apathy and anger. It's easy to jump right into the steps that were already laid out in front of you. The hard thing is doing it differently. Doing the right thing is never easy and the job is never done.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Building Blocks Part 1
I think that if I am going to write about being a father, I should start by writing about my past. My childhood, my parents and the framework that was laid for me, the good and bad.
I was born in 1980 to a mother who was going through a spiritual and religious awaking and change and a father who couldn't find his way out of a bottle. My mother and father had an extreme relationship for almost 20 years. They had five children with me being the last of them. It was full of good times and high points to the darkest days a marriage could go to that were filled with physical and mental abuse, dark secrets and alcoholism. They had split up a number of times and at some point before I was born and tried to rebuild their marriage. My mother was being pulled to the bible while my father couldn't leave his addictions behind him. Both of those extremes would damage me and at the same time, make me a stronger person.
By 1984, both my parents had remarried. My mother married a bible thumping truck driver with an anger and selfishness streak in him. My father had married another alcoholic woman that he could abuse. My oldest brother was just about to join the Navy. My oldest sister was falling into a lifestyle of drugs and all the things that came along with it. She would eventually run away and join the Air Force and get her life back on track and become one of my person heroes. My other sister, who was a year older than me, would move with my mother into my new step fathers trailer park.
As the years went on, my father would be in my life less and less until he disappeared all together. He chose alcohol over me. It took a long time for to realize that it just wasn't me that he was rejecting but it was life as a whole and I was just part of that. The pain of not having him around and in my life was something that still hurts today. Even though we have reconciled, there are times I look back at my life or look at the life of my children and I think, "Man, I could have really used a father then..." and it hurts. The only thing that helps is the fact that my sons will never look back on their lives and think that.
My step father ruled with a controlling fist in our new household. We couldn't watch certain programs and cartoons because they were evil. We couldn't listen to music other than christian music because it was of the devil. His parenting style was very old school. We got spanked and hit when we were "bad". We had to be quiet and only speak when spoken to. We took on some physical abuse from him which finally stopped when my mother told him that if he ever touched me again, she would leave him...I was 14. So it took her 10 years. By the time I was 15, I was already too big for him to hit and he realized that more than once when we got eye to eye and almost came to blows. Backing up, we went to church, A LOT. I don't mean, every Sunday. Sunday was Sunday school, church service then Sunday night was another church service. Tuesday was Boys Brigade (Christian version of the Boy Scouts). Wednesday night was Prayer Service. Thursday night was my sisters night at church with their version of Girl Scouts. The first Saturday every month was a dinner at the church. Oh yeah, the church doubled as a school. So, Monday to Friday was at the church.
Church was morning, noon and night. I was made to do devotionals every day. My mom and step father didn't want me hanging out with friends in the neighborhood because they didn't go to church.
My mother was a very hard woman. She never said she was sorry. She had a rough upbringing and had gone through hell with my father, It's not an excuse but their was a reason. She loved us but if you got her mad, she would hold it against you for a very long time. I don't mean a few days or weeks. When I was 16, she didn't talk to me for 3 months because she didn't like the girl I was dating. When I was 25, she didn't talk to me for 6 months because I decided to stay living in Chicago rather than moving back East and she didn't talk to me for a few month when I moved to Chicago a few years before. She didn't talk to my sister for 3 years. She could hold a grudge better than anyone else I've ever met. She has the same mindset with the friends who came in and out of her life. She has basically blown off relationships and friendships because those other people didn't live up to the level of morality that she set. The other side of her was just as hard. You didn't mess with her children. She was more lax than my step father. At one point, she realized that I had outgrown their control. When my mid teens hit, she realized that I wasn't into drugs or violence. I was just getting started into punk rock and hardcore and politics and she did her best to support that. She would give me money to go to a show. She would listen to some of the music I would listen to. She would let bands and friends stay with us if they were coming through town. She was a coin if I have ever met one. I do love her and everything good I thought about her would eventually become shaken and broken.
I was born in 1980 to a mother who was going through a spiritual and religious awaking and change and a father who couldn't find his way out of a bottle. My mother and father had an extreme relationship for almost 20 years. They had five children with me being the last of them. It was full of good times and high points to the darkest days a marriage could go to that were filled with physical and mental abuse, dark secrets and alcoholism. They had split up a number of times and at some point before I was born and tried to rebuild their marriage. My mother was being pulled to the bible while my father couldn't leave his addictions behind him. Both of those extremes would damage me and at the same time, make me a stronger person.
By 1984, both my parents had remarried. My mother married a bible thumping truck driver with an anger and selfishness streak in him. My father had married another alcoholic woman that he could abuse. My oldest brother was just about to join the Navy. My oldest sister was falling into a lifestyle of drugs and all the things that came along with it. She would eventually run away and join the Air Force and get her life back on track and become one of my person heroes. My other sister, who was a year older than me, would move with my mother into my new step fathers trailer park.
As the years went on, my father would be in my life less and less until he disappeared all together. He chose alcohol over me. It took a long time for to realize that it just wasn't me that he was rejecting but it was life as a whole and I was just part of that. The pain of not having him around and in my life was something that still hurts today. Even though we have reconciled, there are times I look back at my life or look at the life of my children and I think, "Man, I could have really used a father then..." and it hurts. The only thing that helps is the fact that my sons will never look back on their lives and think that.
My step father ruled with a controlling fist in our new household. We couldn't watch certain programs and cartoons because they were evil. We couldn't listen to music other than christian music because it was of the devil. His parenting style was very old school. We got spanked and hit when we were "bad". We had to be quiet and only speak when spoken to. We took on some physical abuse from him which finally stopped when my mother told him that if he ever touched me again, she would leave him...I was 14. So it took her 10 years. By the time I was 15, I was already too big for him to hit and he realized that more than once when we got eye to eye and almost came to blows. Backing up, we went to church, A LOT. I don't mean, every Sunday. Sunday was Sunday school, church service then Sunday night was another church service. Tuesday was Boys Brigade (Christian version of the Boy Scouts). Wednesday night was Prayer Service. Thursday night was my sisters night at church with their version of Girl Scouts. The first Saturday every month was a dinner at the church. Oh yeah, the church doubled as a school. So, Monday to Friday was at the church.
Church was morning, noon and night. I was made to do devotionals every day. My mom and step father didn't want me hanging out with friends in the neighborhood because they didn't go to church.
My mother was a very hard woman. She never said she was sorry. She had a rough upbringing and had gone through hell with my father, It's not an excuse but their was a reason. She loved us but if you got her mad, she would hold it against you for a very long time. I don't mean a few days or weeks. When I was 16, she didn't talk to me for 3 months because she didn't like the girl I was dating. When I was 25, she didn't talk to me for 6 months because I decided to stay living in Chicago rather than moving back East and she didn't talk to me for a few month when I moved to Chicago a few years before. She didn't talk to my sister for 3 years. She could hold a grudge better than anyone else I've ever met. She has the same mindset with the friends who came in and out of her life. She has basically blown off relationships and friendships because those other people didn't live up to the level of morality that she set. The other side of her was just as hard. You didn't mess with her children. She was more lax than my step father. At one point, she realized that I had outgrown their control. When my mid teens hit, she realized that I wasn't into drugs or violence. I was just getting started into punk rock and hardcore and politics and she did her best to support that. She would give me money to go to a show. She would listen to some of the music I would listen to. She would let bands and friends stay with us if they were coming through town. She was a coin if I have ever met one. I do love her and everything good I thought about her would eventually become shaken and broken.
Start Today
Man, I have no idea where to go with this. I've been thinking about doing a blog for quite some time but never really took it seriously. I got some encouragement today from my wife and two friends to finally do one. I am a 32 year old stay at home dad of two boys, Jonas (4) and Brayden (1). I would like to focus much of my writing on being a father and my kids but some of it will be about my life, past and present, movies, music, my marriage, my dogs and whatever I feel like writing about. I am a very honest and direct person so I don't sugar coat much. I really don't know if anyone will read this and that's fine but I will try to update as much as I can.
So let's do this.
The name of my blog is called Can I Say. The name comes from one of my favorite bands Dag Nasty. Can I Say is the title track from their 1986 album Can I Say. The song is all about being true to yourself and not following others and ideas that you don't truly believe in.
I never gave a second thought
I followed blindly part of a lot
I never gave
I never gave a second thought
I followed blindly part of a lot
How can I say I'm really free?
How can I say I'm really me?
What can I say?
So let's do this.
The name of my blog is called Can I Say. The name comes from one of my favorite bands Dag Nasty. Can I Say is the title track from their 1986 album Can I Say. The song is all about being true to yourself and not following others and ideas that you don't truly believe in.
I never gave a second thought
I followed blindly part of a lot
I never gave
I never gave a second thought
I followed blindly part of a lot
How can I say I'm really free?
How can I say I'm really me?
What can I say?
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